


Feelings Realized

by 8ucky8arnes



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-08
Updated: 2019-10-08
Packaged: 2020-11-27 07:07:43
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,340
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20944334
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/8ucky8arnes/pseuds/8ucky8arnes
Summary: It started with a phone call from Maddie, her voice thick with tears.“They were there…they were both there.”





	Feelings Realized

**Author's Note:**

> Got this out right as the episode started so...enjoy my first Buddie fic!

It started with a phone call from Maddie, her voice thick with tears.

_“They were there…they were both there.”_

Eddie’s fingers tightened on the phone like he was hanging off a cliff and it took everything in him to close his eyes and let out a long breath, leaning back against a fire engine. “What are you saying Maddie?”

_“Eddie…”_

“What. Are. You. Saying?”

Eddie could practically hear her weighing her next words as the silence stretched, each second cementing his worst fears and he felt himself slipping. He pushed himself off the side of the truck, needing to have his feet under him, needing to move…

“Maddie,” the earlier steel in his voice cracked as his vision blurred, “_please_…”

_“Buck took Christopher to the pier. Said that when the second surge hit…”_

“Maddie.” He choked out past the lump in his throat, “Where’s my son? Where’s Christopher?”

_“The current was too strong, too fast, and…he’s missing, Eddie. No one can find him”_

Eddie could no longer speak, could barely stand as he heard her breath hitch over the line, and the world around him was becoming foggy and distance. All he could do was play over the last moment he’d seen his son: their last embrace, Christopher’s light-up-the world smile as he said _I love Dad_…

He gripped his head, pulling on his hair.

_Not my son. Not Christopher…_

Maddie’s voice pushed through his frantic thoughts.

_“Buck was talking to me when he just…collapsed.”_

Eddie could feel that coldness seeping into his chest like he had when Shannon’s heart had stopped, a hollow empty feeling that left him numb to everything, and he yanked at his scalp in an attempt to chase it away.

_“The paramedics said that there appeared to have internal bleeding and with the anticoagulants he’s on…it’s not good. They’re giving him a transfusion now to stabilize him before they take him into surgery, but…”_

He cleared his throat, “Keep me updated?”

_“Of course.”_

Eddie ended the call, slipping his phone into his pocket, “Nononono…”

He squeezed his temples as images flashed through his mind, each one piercing his chest like shrapnel and he could no longer stop the tears as they spilled over. The agony was building, the heat burning in his lungs as he tried to breathe…

_“Daddy!” He screamed as the water sucked him under._

_Buck’s wide eyes as blood bubbled up from his mouth…_

He shook his head, “Not them. Not them, please…”

_The light leaving Shannon’s eyes..._

_“I love you…”_

His heart was fracturing under the strain, pushing nothing but pain through his body, reminding him that he was still standing, unharmed, while his son was out there alone, while his…while Buck was about to go under the knife _again_…

_ Christopher’s arms around him…_

_“I love you, Dad.”_

Eddie finally tipped over the edge completely, letting out a choked scream and slamming his fist into the side of the fire engine again and again and again…not caring in the slightest to the damage he was no doubt doing to himself.

This was his fault.

“Eddie!”

He’d told Buck to go out, to have a day with Christopher and then…

His fault.

Christopher. His son. His light, his ray of sunshine, the last piece of Shannon…gone.

Because of _him_.

“Eddie!”

The voice was muffled, like it was coming from somewhere far way, too far away to make a difference but when familiar arms wrapped around him and pulled, he was surprised to find how little strength he had left to resist.

Bobby said nothing when Eddie sagged in his hold, dropping to his knees next to him.

“I told them go out, Cap. I told them to go and…”

“This isn’t your fault Eddie.” His voice was calm, “You know that.”

Tears streamed down his face, “I can’t lose them. I can’t…”

“I know.” Bobby’s voice was heavy with understanding, “I know.”

And he did.

For perhaps the hundredth time, Eddie admired the strength of the man. To pull himself back onto his feet as everything he’d held dear had been torn away from him, to still have hope and believe in what he was doing.

“You need to believe that Christopher will find you.” He finally dropped his arms, coming around so Eddie could see his face and the sincerity in his eyes, “He is as brave and as strong as his father and Buck is as stubborn as they come.”

He pulled in one breath, then another…

“They are not lost. Not yet.” He squeezed Eddie’s shoulders, “Have faith.”

Eddie nodded, running his uninjured hand down his face.

Bobby stood, holding out a hand to help him up.

He staggered to his feet, swaying but upright.

“I’ll start asking around to the other teams sent to the area where they picked up Buck and a few others. One of them or the survivors might’ve seen something.” His tone finally did harden when he met Eddie’s stare, “And don’t even think about going out there alone right now. Not in the state you’re in.”

The words stung, but rang true nonetheless, “Message received, Cap.”

“Go have that hand looked at too, alright?”

Eddie spared a glance down at said hand to see split, bloody knuckles and swollen fingers, surprised at how little he could feel anything at the moment. It’d been so long since his self-control had slipped so far out of reach, since the rage and helplessness from years spent watching his brothers die in the desert had spilled over…

Bobby squeezed his arm once before turning and speaking into his walkie.

Eddie walked to the first medical tent he could find, hoping he didn’t run into Hen or Chimney as the last thing he needed was them looking at him with sadness, with pity…he couldn’t handle that right now. He just couldn’t. Not right now…

He finally found what he needed and a curse that would have his _abuelita _batting his ear slipped out he tried to open the bandages with hands now trembling from shock and pain, dropping them onto the ground.

“Do you want some help with that, Diaz?”

He turned his head to find Lena, “_La bomberda_.”

“You know, you never told me what that means.” She bent to pick up what he’d dropped, not commenting on his bloodshot eyes and bloody fist as she pulled out the rest of the supplies, but she did look at him with a teasing grin. “Is this your attempt at flirting with me?”

Eddie shook his head, chest aching at the almost Buck-like expression on the woman’s face, but managed a small smile nonetheless, “No, no. One of the families at the Ferris wheel told me that you were the one that helped them. That’s what they called you.”

She hummed, “Can you straighten your fingers for me?”

He did so, wincing at the pain, but glad that he could move everything.

“You punch a wall or something?”

Eddie grimacing as disinfectant was applied. “Fire truck actually.”

Lena continued, seemingly unsurprised at his words as she taped gauze over his knuckles and began to unravel the roll of bandages, expertly wrapping up his hand. She glanced up at him once she finished, her expression losing its teasing edge, “Something tells me that this isn’t a usual occurrence for you.”

Eddie didn’t respond, part of him almost bristling at the implication as he flexed his hand experimentally. He wasn’t really sure what to make of this woman, but he knew snapping at her wouldn’t go well. “Got some bad news is all.”

She looked in the direction of the destroyed pier, “Who’d you lose out there?”

His stomach tightened, heat building behind his eyes and in his fists, but he pushed it all back as Bobby’s words played over and over in his mind. He followed her line of sight, Christopher’s laughter swirling around in his head as he took out his phone and pulled up the last picture he’d received, turning the screen to her, “My son, Christopher.”

Lena took the phone, face softening with a sad smile, “Cute kid.”

He found himself smiling, “Yeah, he is.”

She then pointed to Buck, “And him?”

Eddie cleared his throat, “He’s a…a friend. He used to be the 118.”

She handed the phone back, “He’s the one that was under the fire engine, wasn’t he?”

“Yeah, that’s him.” He looked back down at the picture and their smiling faces and for a moment, he could almost hear their laughter. Could feel Christopher’s joy and see the light in Buck eyes that had been dimmed by his diagnosis burning bright once more. “He’d been feeling down since he quit and I thought that he should get out for the day…”

“Ah…” that scrutinizing look was back, “Is he out there too?”

“No, they…” he faltered, “They were separated.”

“He’s the one who told you?”

Eddie shook his head, throat tightening, “His sister. She’s a 911 dispatcher.” He couldn’t look away from the picture, away from their smiles. They’d been happy in that moment, taken a mere hour before the first wave hit, and he wanted to hold onto the image of them like they were then instead of the horrible unknown of now.

Like the moment he seen Shannon’s broken body lying the asphalt, he knew this picture was a precursor to a monumental change to his life and he wasn’t prepared for the possibility of living in a world where his son was gone, sucked into the dark depths of the ocean, Eddie’s soul being dragged down with him, or the sight of Buck’s grey skin under the florescent lighting of the operating room, eyes closed forever…

Eddie couldn’t handle any more loss…he wouldn’t survive it. He knew that with a certainty that should’ve frightened him, but didn’t. In all the years in the desert, the thought of dying hadn’t scared him nearly as much as the one of being the only survivor.

Lena snapped her fingers in front of his face. “Still with me, Diaz?”

He blinked, the sound rushing back. “Yeah, sorry.”

She frowned, “Where is he…Buck?”

Eddie swallowed, the words seemingly being pulled out of him, “His injuries caused blood clots to form in his leg and one moved into his lungs…” he let out another long breath as the image him vomiting blood flashed through his mind, how he’d kept Christopher from seeing what was happening to _his Buck_ and the numbing panic that had squeezed his chest at sight of another person he lo-

Lena’s fingers dug into his shoulder, thankfully cutting his thoughts off, “This isn’t your fault. You didn’t intentionally put them in harm’s way. You didn’t know this was going to happen. None of us did.”

He let his head drop, his vision blurring.

She hummed, “You really love him don’t you?”

Eddie snapped his head up, “He’s my son, what kind of…”

Lena raised an eyebrow, moving her hand from his shoulder to tap a finger on the screen.

His eyes dropped to the smiling Buck and he felt his face flush, sputtering, “What, I don’t-”

“Eddie!” Bobby’s voice shattered the moment, “Eddie!”

Lena’s question pushed to the back of his mind, pushing himself off the cot and out of the tent, nearly knocking Bobby over and Eddie didn’t care how frantic he look as he gripped the captain’s arms, “What is it, Bobby?”

The man curled his hands over Eddie’s arms, “There’s someone who wants to see you.”

“Daddy!”

“Christopher!” Eddie spun around to find Christopher hurrying up to him, falling to his knees as he reached him, pulling him into his arms. “_Gracias a Dios..._” He couldn’t stop the sobs that were torn from his throat, closing his eyes feeling the warmth of his son’s body. _“Mi hijo…”_

“You’re okay!”

Eddie smiled, pulling back to kiss his forehead, “So are you.”

“Buck saved me.”

His chest tightened, “Yes, he did.”

Christopher reached up, placing his hand on Eddie’s cheek, “I lost my glasses…and crutches.”

Eddie could’ve laughed, “We’ll get you new ones.”

“Okay.” He patted Eddie’s cheek, expression strangely serious, “Don’t be mad at Buck.”

He frowned, “What…why would I be mad at him?”

“He said that you would be mad because I almost got hurt. That you wouldn’t want me to go with him again.” He hugged him again, the next words being whispered in his ear, “But I told him he saved me. You can’t be mad at him if he saved me.”

Eddie choked out a laugh, “I’m not mad at him. Not at all.”

“That’s good.”

Eddie closed his eyes, burying his head in Christopher’s shoulder and clinging to him like one would a live preserve, thanking God that his boy was here in his arms. That his light had been brought back to him-

“Where’s Buck?”

His relief shattered at the question and he pulled back, “He’s uh…he’s in the hospital.”

“Is he okay?”

His answer became trapped in his throat, the horrible uncertainty turning his stomach into knots once more as the image of grey skin under harsh light flashed through his mind. He swallowed thickly, choking the words out, “I don’t know, Chris. He’s in surgery right now.”

“Can we go to the hospital?”

He craned his head back, about to ask Bobby when-

“Captain Nash?”

Eddie and Bobby turned their heads as Lena came out of the tent, her expression softened as she smiled down at Christopher before holding up her cell phone. “My fiancé lives in the safe-zone, just tell me what hospital he’s at and she’ll take you there.”

Eddie blinked. _She?_ “I couldn’t possibly…”

Lena raised a brow, stopping his words.

Bobby’s brow furrowed, “It’s up to you, Eddie.”

“Uh…” he looked down at Christopher, “What do you say, Chris?”

“I wanna see Buck.”

“Okay then.” Eddie nearly groaned as he pushed himself up, Every muscle protesting the strenuous work he’d put into the nearly fourteen hour day of wading and swimming through water and moving debris and lifting injured people…

But he pushed it all down, forcing a smile, “Piggy back?”

Christopher nodded, wide grin splitting his face.

Eddie went to position his body, when Lena stopped him.

“May I?”

He wanted to say no. That she’d done plenty for others and that he was perfectly capable of carrying his own son, but he didn’t even get a chance to speak before Christopher turned that smile on her, “Are you strong like Daddy?”

She crouched down, shooting Eddie a mischievous grin, “_Stronger_.”

“Like Wonder Woman?”

Lena laughed, “Just like Wonder Woman.”

_This woman… _Eddie could only shake his head, unable to do something that could take away that smile. He’d never really been able to deny him anything, and even though parting from him for even a moment caused a small spike of panic, he relented, “How does that sound?”

“Fun!”

Eddie let go of Christopher, watching closely as he walked behind Lena and placed his hands on her shoulders. He couldn’t help but hold his breath when she reached behind her and gently lifted him up, the woman holding onto his legs and telling him to wrap his arms around her neck.

She stood, carefully adjusting his weight on her back. “Let’s go see your Buck.”

He tense when she looked directly at him the moment after the words were said to Christopher, and the absurd question she’d asked only minutes earlier came back to and he couldn’t help the fluttering in the pit of his stomach.

_“You really love him don’t you?”_

Eddie shoved the feeling aside, “Let’s go then.”

…

Maddie was already there when they walked into the waiting, relived tears shining in her eyes at the sight of Christopher (who she hugged as soon as he was put back down on the ground and handed his glasses). She looked at Lena with a furrowed brow for only a moment before the arrival of her fiancé, Anna, and she smiled kindly, introducing herself.

He sank down into one of the chairs, head dropping his hands.

He wasn’t sure how long he’d sat like that before Maddie’s hand curled over his shoulder and he slowly lifted his head to find both Lena and Anna walking away hand in hand and Christopher laying against Maddie’s side, fast asleep.

Eddie let out a shaky breath, “I’m so sorry, Maddie.”

Her eyes, as deep and fathomless as her brother’s, were heavy with grief and pain as she moved to rub gentle circle on his back. She didn’t speak for a long moment, just looking at him, before a sad smile tugged at her lips, “This isn’t your fault, Eddie.”

“Maddie…”

“It’s not your fault and it’s not his.” She glanced up as nurses and doctors hurried by, her expression turning thoughtful as she played with the chain around her neck. “Everyone’s wants to find something or someone to blame but sometimes…these things just happen.”

“These things seem to happen to us a lot...” The words were said with an echo of the anger that had slipped out earlier, his bandaged hand clenched despite the dull throbbing. “and I'm tired of losing...”

“You haven’t lost anyone today.” Maddie’s voice cut in calmly, “_You _are here, Eddie. So is your son. So is Buck.” She squeezed his shoulder once more. “You all made it through to the other side. You, Christopher, _and_ Buck. This will make you stronger.”

“Like you?”

She hummed, giving him a wane smile, “You flatter me.”

He returned the smile, “Just stating a fact.”

Maddie laughed, raising her eyebrows, “It’s like you’re trying to impress me or something...”

Eddie just shook his head, that feeling in the pit of his stomach becoming more insistent as he read the underlying message in her words, her voice...he tried to clear his throat as Lena’s question floated back to him.

_“You really love him don’t you?”_

His cheeks were _burning _and Maddie looked like she was going to say something when the surgeon walked out and pulled down his mask.

“Family of Evan Buckley?”

Eddie stood, lifting Christopher up so she could talk to him.

Chris grumbled, rubbing at his eyes, “Daddy?”

“Shh.” He combed fingers through soft hair, “It’s alright.”

“Buck?”

Eddie looked over at Maddie in time to see a relieved smile spread across her face, feeling himself do the same as she turned to him and nodded. He kissed his son’s head. “He’s going to be alright. He just needs to sleep for now.”

“Can we see him?”

Maddie came over, putting a hand on Eddie’s shoulder, “Yeah, let’s go.”

…

Eddie never could get over how strange it was to see Buck so still, so silent, but the heart monitor beeping in time with the steady rise and fall of his chest was reassuring, comforting even. It was a sign that he was breathing. That he was _alive_.

With a silent questioning look to the nurse, she pointed to Buck’s right side and said that Christopher could lay there as long as he didn’t put any weight on the man’s stomach. Taking off his glasses, Eddie laid his son down gently on the bed.

He watched as Chris curled onto his side, resting his cheek on Buck’s arm with a small smile, and Eddie knew that not even a minute had passed before he too was asleep. He kissed his son’s forehead and he found himself leaning over Buck, hesitating for only a heartbeat before doing the same.

His cheeks warmed when he felt Maddie’s eyes on him as he pulled away, but he said nothing for a long while as he sat down in the chair next to her. Eddie reached out, taking Buck’s hand in his and just held on.

And he wasn’t going to let go any time soon.

_“You really love him don’t you?”_

_Yes. Yes I do_.

And when Buck woke up, he would tell him.


End file.
